Making a Memorial Garden for a Pet

A planted memorial gives grief something to do with its hands, which for a lot of people is exactly what's needed in the weeks after.

It also gives you a place to go. One of the harder things about pet loss is that there's nowhere to visit, and a corner of the garden solves that quietly.

Deciding on the spot

Choose somewhere you'll actually see. A memorial in a corner you never visit becomes a slightly guilty obligation.

Good candidates:

• The place they always lay in the sun
• Beside the back door where they waited
• Somewhere visible from a window you sit at
• The bottom of the garden if you want it to be a place you walk to deliberately

If you're burying ashes there, think about permanence. Are you likely to move? If so, use a large pot instead — a good-sized container with a shrub in it moves with you and doesn't have to be left behind at a house sale.

What to plant

South African conditions vary hugely, so pick for your region rather than for the photograph.

Highveld (Johannesburg, Pretoria) — hot summers, dry frosty winters, summer rainfall:

• Rosemary — hardy, evergreen, drought-tolerant, and traditionally associated with remembrance. Almost impossible to kill.
• Lavender (Margaret Roberts is the reliable one here) — full sun, sharp drainage
• Wild garlic (Tulbaghia violacea) — tough, indigenous, flowers for months, tolerates neglect
• Cape honeysuckle (Tecoma capensis) — fast, brings sunbirds
• Roses — do very well on the Highveld with reasonable care

Winter rainfall (Cape Town, Western Cape):

• Fynbos species — ericas, restios, leucadendrons. Beautiful, and require acidic soil and very sharp drainage.
• Pincushion protea (Leucospermum) — spectacular, needs the right soil
• Lavender and rosemary — thrive here
• Wild rosemary (Eriocephalus africanus) — indigenous, silvery, tough

Coastal / subtropical (KZN, Garden Route):

• Plumbago — hardy, blue, indigenous
• Clivia — shade-loving, indigenous, and long-lived
• Wild iris (Dietes) — nearly indestructible
• Frangipani — for the warmer coastal areas

Trees, if you have space and permanence: an olive tree (slow, long-lived, drought-hardy), a white stinkwood, a wild olive, or a lemon tree if you'd like it to be productive.

If you're planting with ashes

Ashes are alkaline and high in salts. Dumped straight into a planting hole in volume, they will damage or kill many plants, particularly acid-lovers like fynbos.

Do it properly:

• Mix the ashes thoroughly through a large volume of soil — think a wheelbarrow, not a spadeful
• Or dig them in around the drip line rather than directly under the root ball
• Or use a purpose-made biodegradable urn designed to buffer them
• Avoid combining ashes with acid-loving plants entirely

Alternatively, plant the tree, and scatter the ashes over the broader area rather than in the hole.

Marking it

Options that hold up outdoors:

• An engraved stone or slate plaque. Most durable. Stonemasons will engrave a small plaque cheaply; so will many trophy shops.
• A painted river stone. Free, personal, needs re-doing every few years.
• A ceramic tile or mosaic, if you're that way inclined.
• A metal stake marker — powder-coated, otherwise it rusts.
• Nothing at all. Plenty of people know exactly which plant it is and don't need a sign.

Avoid untreated wood — it rots within a couple of seasons and looks sad, which is the opposite of the intention.

Other elements

• A bench or a chair, if there's room. Turns it from a plot into a place to sit.
• A bird bath or feeder. Brings life to the spot, which people often find is the thing that makes it feel right.
• Solar light. Simple, and surprisingly meaningful to see from the house at night.
• A stepping stone with their paw print pressed into concrete, if you took one.

If you don't have a garden

Renting, a flat, no outdoor space:

• A large pot on a balcony with one good plant
• An indoor plant — a clivia, a fern, something long-lived — with their tag on a ribbon around the pot
• A window box
• A tree planted somewhere else. Several South African environmental organisations will plant a tree on your behalf for a donation, in a name you choose.
• Adopt a spot — a plant at a parent's or a friend's house

The part that actually helps

Most people find the doing is what helps more than the result. Digging a hole in the garden in the week after a pet dies is a good use of an afternoon that would otherwise have been spent staring at nothing.

If you plant it and it dies, plant something else. That isn't a metaphor for anything.

Some members post the spot in our community feed — the tree, the stone, the corner of the garden. It's one of the nicer things about a likes-only feed: you put it there, and it's met with warmth and nothing else.