What to Do With Their Ashes (There's No Deadline)

The ashes come back in a box, usually a week or two after, and then they sit somewhere while you fail to decide what to do with them.

That's completely normal, and there is no time limit. Plenty of people keep ashes in a cupboard for years and then do something with them when it feels right. Plenty of people never do anything and that's fine too.

Here are the options, with the practical realities of each.

Keeping them

The most common choice by a wide margin.

Options range from the basic scatter tube they arrive in, through wooden or ceramic urns, to photo-frame urns that hold ashes in the base. Some people transfer a small amount into a piece of jewellery and keep the rest.

Practical notes:

Ashes are usually in a sealed plastic bag inside the urn. Don't open it over a carpet.
If you're transferring them to another container, do it outside or over a large sheet, with the door closed. A funnel helps. It's dusty.
Ashes don't degrade or smell. There's no practical reason they can't stay indefinitely.

Where people put them varies enormously — a shelf, a bedside table, a cupboard, a wardrobe. If having them on display upsets someone else in the house, a drawer is not disrespectful.

Scattering

The second most common choice, and the one people most often want to get right.

Where. Their favourite walk, a beach, a mountain, a garden, a river. Somewhere that meant something to the two of you.

The legal bit in South Africa. There's no national law specifically banning the scattering of pet ashes, and in practice it's very rarely an issue. But:

National parks and nature reserves — technically you should ask. SANParks and provincial reserves have their own regulations, and many will grant permission if asked. Do ask rather than assume.
Private property — you need the owner's permission. This includes farms, private nature reserves and golf courses.
Beaches — generally municipal land; generally not a problem, but stay away from crowded areas and swimming zones.
Public parks — usually fine in practice, discreetly.

Practical advice nobody gives you: ashes are heavier and grittier than you'd expect, and wind is a real factor. Throw with the wind behind you, not into it, and stay low. Pouring rather than throwing works better. And be prepared for it to be a much less ethereal experience than you imagined — many people find it slightly comic, which is not a bad thing.

Some people scatter part and keep part. This is very common and worth considering if you're unsure, because scattering is irreversible.

Burying them

Ashes can be buried freely — they present none of the health considerations of burying a body, so municipal restrictions on pet burial generally don't apply.

Popular approaches:

Under a newly planted tree or shrub in the garden
In a pot with a plant, so it can move house with you
In a biodegradable urn designed to break down

A note on plants: raw ashes are alkaline and high in salts, and putting a large volume directly against roots can genuinely harm a plant. Mix them well into a decent volume of soil, or use a purpose-made urn that buffers them, rather than tipping them into a planting hole.

If you rent, or expect to move, plant them in a large pot rather than in the ground. People underestimate how painful it is to leave them behind at a house sale.

Dividing them

Completely acceptable and more common than you'd think, particularly when a pet belonged to a household that has since separated, or where an adult child wants some.

Practically: portion them out with a spoon over a sheet, into small sealed bags or containers, then transfer. Do it once, do it calmly, don't do it the week they come home.

Turning them into something

Memorial jewellery — pendants, rings and beads incorporating a small amount of ash. R900 upwards.
Glass art — ashes suspended in blown glass, often as a paperweight or ornament. Striking, and one of the more popular options in South Africa.
Tattoo ink — a very small amount of sterilised ash mixed into tattoo ink. Some artists do it, many won't, and there are real infection considerations. If you want this, find an artist who has done it before and follows a proper sterilisation process.
Pressed into a stone or pendant for a garden.

The market here is unregulated and prices vary wildly. If you're sending ashes away to be made into something, use an established operator, send only a portion, and keep the rest.

Doing nothing

Worth saying plainly: leaving them in the box in the cupboard is a legitimate outcome. Some people never find the right thing to do and that isn't a failure of grieving.

Equally, if the box in the cupboard is bothering you every time you open that cupboard, that's a reason to do something — anything — with them.

If they're still at the vet

Occasionally people find, months later, that they never collected the ashes, or never actually chose. Phone and ask. Practices hold uncollected ashes for a long time and nobody will make you feel bad about it.

A gentle suggestion

Don't decide in the first month. Whatever you do with them is much better done deliberately than done in the middle of the worst week.